Catching My Breath

Today marks the last day of High School for my youngest child.

My heart is aching a little.  How did we get here?

Do I really want to turn back the pages of time, I don’t know?  

I do know that I don’t want these days to be over yet.  I’m not ready.  

I say I want change but I’m not ready for change when it comes.

My children are getting older.  I’m getting older.  I will no longer need to “hold down the fort” on a daily basis as both my kids will be emerged in the independent state of college very soon.  It’s where they belong, it’s good.

Oh but this feeling in my gut.  It’s not good.  I know my days of nesting are no longer the focus of my direction.  I realize that my work is never done, at least that is what other moms tell me who are farther along.  And I am excited for all that is to come for my children.  But for today, for this moment I linger in the quiet memories of yesterday.  I savor those moments and wonder if anything could be better?

 

I open the door to listen to the birds early this morning.  I need their songs.  

They’ve had baby after baby come and go and they continue to sing.  

They ease my pain, they give me hope.  

I am able to catch my breath as this hurting makes me hold my breath.  Pain will do that.

 

They sing, I breath.  I listen to the melody and my breathing sinks into a slow and steady rhythm.

I embrace what hurts and find that I am still alive.  I can live with pain and still feel hope, be ok to not be ok. “Through many dangers, toils and snares I have already come. Tis grace has brought me safe thus far.”   Loving children is a dangerous thing. Love wounds the heart leaving beautiful scars.  I wear my injures proudly for I have not lived and loved carelessly.  I have loved these children with tenacity.  I will always love them this way, even when we no longer nest together. Even when they do not need me to make their lunches and teach them about responsibility.

I’m not ok today but I’m moving into this place anyway.  It’s where I need to be, it’s where my kids need to be.

This is enough for me today.

Treasures of My Nest

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4 comments

  1. Thanks for sharing your heart on this… I already am grappling with how I will be feeling in 2 years … knowing the change will be what’s right and best and God designed but not ready to give up those days where I was needed to “make his lunch and teaching him responsibility” … love your words around all these feelings ; ) They are and will be an encouragement… I think I will bookmark this post ; )

  2. loved your image of the birds – and how those momma’s have had babys leave the nest over and over. i don’t think i will ever think of their songs the same 🙂
    isn’t it funny how you know these seasons, transitions, are coming but in a very real way you can do nothing for your heart until you are there and moving through them. being OK, to not be OK is a great place to be.
    it will allow you to truly LIVE where you are at, just as you are. it is so necessary for us to feel where we are instead of zooming through it – if we are to truly understand and know where we really are and where God is in it with us.

    as my kids were growing up i came to realize that every stage was good. i mourned when my youngest turned 2 and there were no more babies coming, no more pregnancies, no more quiet moments of nursing that little one. I learned that the next stage was just as fun and filled with tender moments and laughter of its own. and this continued – this process of letting go of one to go into the other, and they were all good. (well, ok, middle school was a bear with one of my kids!! not a fan of middle school age)

    truly, it will be good, the next stage. probably better than you think.
    love you my friend.
    ruth

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