Today marks the last day of High School for my youngest child.
My heart is aching a little. How did we get here?
Do I really want to turn back the pages of time, I don’t know?
I do know that I don’t want these days to be over yet. I’m not ready.
I say I want change but I’m not ready for change when it comes.
My children are getting older. I’m getting older. I will no longer need to “hold down the fort” on a daily basis as both my kids will be emerged in the independent state of college very soon. It’s where they belong, it’s good.
Oh but this feeling in my gut. It’s not good. I know my days of nesting are no longer the focus of my direction. I realize that my work is never done, at least that is what other moms tell me who are farther along. And I am excited for all that is to come for my children. But for today, for this moment I linger in the quiet memories of yesterday. I savor those moments and wonder if anything could be better?
I open the door to listen to the birds early this morning. I need their songs.
They’ve had baby after baby come and go and they continue to sing.
They ease my pain, they give me hope.
I am able to catch my breath as this hurting makes me hold my breath. Pain will do that.
They sing, I breath. I listen to the melody and my breathing sinks into a slow and steady rhythm.
I embrace what hurts and find that I am still alive. I can live with pain and still feel hope, be ok to not be ok. “Through many dangers, toils and snares I have already come. Tis grace has brought me safe thus far.” Loving children is a dangerous thing. Love wounds the heart leaving beautiful scars. I wear my injures proudly for I have not lived and loved carelessly. I have loved these children with tenacity. I will always love them this way, even when we no longer nest together. Even when they do not need me to make their lunches and teach them about responsibility.
I’m not ok today but I’m moving into this place anyway. It’s where I need to be, it’s where my kids need to be.
This is enough for me today.