I’ve been married to this guy for a long time.
I can honestly say that we now have the friendship that I thought we were having years ago. We weren’t. The friendship we have now came from stepping into the thick-of-things.
Our friendship is filled with moments of great connection and misfire. It’s real and we both like it.
After the early years of marriage are over some of us get in the thick-of-things. Our true selves are featured and the scent of decay begins to waft. Something is dying. I know this is not true for every marriage, but it’s been pretty accurate in describing mine. I didn’t recognize the smell of decay at first. Disappointment is a misleading symptom. But the stench was decay.
Something must die. Our pride, our selfishness, our ignorance….
- Unrealistic expectations
- Wrong perceptions
- Unwillingness to grow, accept, learn and communicate
Many of these things had to die in my marriage in order to find the friend I married.
This is where love becomes true. The thick-of-things is like a dense and dangerous forest. Ugliness gets exposed and we have to stop being shocked by this. Both people have to be willing to go in order to survive.
A word of encouragement for the weary soul who feels like they are losing the relationship battle.
LEARN. Learn is just a cool word that means: be willing and teachable.
- Be a student of God.
- Be a student of yourself.
- Be a student of your spouse.
When we smell decay, when we realize that this isn’t the marriage we envisioned, we become raw. Vulnerability is the kneading board of learning.
I don’t want to sound over simplistic. Issues are real, misunderstood and exhausting. Problems can be dangerous to body and soul. Some marriages end because there just doesn’t seem to be any other way. In the thick-of-things every exit looks appealing. Going through is much harder than going around.
Also, I don’t want to pretend that if you do A-B-C everything will be great.
My marriage is not settled completely, but we’ve entered the thick-of-things enough times to know that it didn’t kill us. We discovered we could be a better us and by default, a better me.
Arm yourself with Godly people to pray and listen, counselors to help unravel, and the Holy Spirit to guide and keep you through it all. Prepare to change. You do have to change. You don’t find yourself at the edge of the thick-of-things for no reason. Something wasn’t working.
So let some thing’s die. I pray it’s not your marriage. I pray your find the friendship you thought you had from the start.